A Big, Scary, Exciting Hello!
Beginnings can hold so much. They’re containers for excitement, joy, fear, possibility, and vulnerability; for carefully packaged anticipation and trepidation. And just as quickly as they show up, they can slip away, because beginnings don’t exist in a vacuum. Without the right input, they can remain stagnant or fizzle out completely. But how do beginnings blossom into the here and now? How do we mold them from permeable and fleeting to solidified in the present? How do we anchor them into reality? And what are the inputs that keep a beginning at the beginning and those that see them through to something meaningful and enduring?
These are the questions that have been going through my mind as I am writing this. I had a beginning moment when I made the decision to start my private practice as a holistic wellness counselor. I put the time and energy into building a website and accompanying social media presence. I finally found the courage to trust in the knowledge and experience that I have acquired after years of struggling with self-doubt. I did it, I put myself out there. But then…it fizzled.
At the time, I recognized and blamed the external inputs. There was the ever-present stress of living in the shit storm that is the U.S. under the current administration (in case there is any doubt where I land, FDT), which led to the big decision for my partner and I to move out of the country. And finally, adjusting to life in Mexico, where we are privileged enough to be able to have the humbling experience of building a life as a racial and linguistic minority.
Looking back now (because hindsight is always 20/20), I can recognize there were also several internal inputs. I can recognize that fear of vulnerability and of being perceived were high on the list of barriers. Because I couldn’t fathom putting all of this time and energy into something that wasn’t in alignment with my authentic self, but my authentic self has been locked up in my frozen nervous system. I barely know her. My body has been defaulting to playing it small in the name of perceived safety in a world that is fundamentally unsafe, especially for women and minorities. Smile, don’t say the controversial thing, don’t come off too smart, emotions are dangerous, smile, remember to appease to others’ emotions, definitely don’t trust your intelligence, and for fuck’s sake, you’d be a lot prettier if you smiled more!
With all of that being said, hi, I’m Nichole. I have spent a lifetime acquiring experiences that have molded my career path, but I always come back to the helping and healing professions. I have also spent an inordinate amount of time acquiring education from a bachelor’s degree in dietetics, a master’s degree in social work, and a master’s degree in integrative health sciences with a focus on herbal medicine. I’m currently working on obtaining licensure as a clinical social worker. I am pretty much always in the process of some other educational pursuit, because I have an insatiable thirst for knowledge. But at some point, I need to stop simply gathering information and start applying what I already know!
And that’s why I’m here writing this. I’m still getting to know my authentic self and am gently but diligently working on breaking her free of her confines. But here is one thing that I know to be true: while my path has been ever winding, it was always meant to lead here, because I am a healer.
